Are you lost? You are here!

12:39 pm - Goodbye

Hi, all, or whoever is still reading this,

Well, I suppose it was inevitable. Livejournal is no longer meeting my desires, you could say, since I hardly ever come to this site anymore, let alone post. So, I'll be taking my journal offline whenever I get around to copying and pasting it somewhere else. Someone once told me of a website that would do this for me, but I seem to have misplaced that email...

Anyone who wants to contact me may do so at my email address, of course. I hope you all continue to lead rich and productive lives, and I will do the same!

Thanks for reading. :)

Current Mood: busy

10:13 am - I forgot to tell you

that I had a good hair day one day this summer



( and that people coming over to surprise your boyfriend for his birthday, dressing up for a murder mystery, and then getting drunk, are verrrry interesting )

08:47 am - Sleepy rambling

Night shifts aren't as bad as I thought they would be. Leaving work as the sun is rising feels like seeing the world from a different angle. And it really is autumn here - chilly, dry, golden, and covered with leaves. I'm exhausted, but don't want to go to sleep. I want to watch the slowness of it all.

Staying up all night, as long as I'm not watching over the secure unit, people feel like talking, and there isn't much to do, feels like those philosophical discussions we used to have in college or camp in the middle of the night. But we're usually just talking about mental illness, the ethical wrongs of large companies, and the endearing foibles of the people we love. Close enough.

There's a known sex offender on the unit right now, and I'm not (yet?) one of those unlucky enough to be grabbed by him. He stares. A coworker lied to him for me and said I did not have the key to his locker, just to save me from having to be alone with him.

I still find female sexual perpetrators more frightening than the males, if only because they're cloaked by the world's disbelief.

My other job is hiring me full-time for day shifts. Soon, haunteddiner's schedule and mine will be in sync.

This weekend, it seemed apropos to read Saturn: A New Look at an Old Devil while my Saturn return is still in full swing. Liz Greene wrote it two years before I was born, but she nailed my Saturn in Leo impression that my parents just liked having a child, and didn't really care who I was as a person, leading to the intense sense of inadequacy, even in adulthood.

Lately, I've practiced being centered in myself, living in the moment and not in my fears, noticing but not acting on feelings of defensiveness. Overall, this rootedness has helped me see others more clearly and avoid pushing people away by my neurotic desire to seem perfect or above criticism.

There is still the lingering sensation of being on the wrong path, the guilt of not having enough time or desire to do everything I "should", and that I am somehow wasting time merely by living and being myself. It is crippling. Envy arises for those who have been recognized for their talents. Even if I were to swallow my fears, work hard, and win the roulette of recognition, it still might not be enough.

Striving for the fiery fixedness of Leo is a challenge for me. Historically, I've had a difficult time understanding fixed signs. I'm a mutable, and all my immediate family members were cardinal signs.

Also, every single man I've been in a serious relationship with has been a cardinal sign, and the eldest child in a family with only boys. Go figure.

Current Mood: tired

11:06 am - Saint Speare

Me: (looking at the OSF mug we got at a garage sale last weekend) It's funny how so many images of Shakespeare were made out of just one painting of him, like Emily Dickinson and Jane Austen.

haunteddiner: (looking at the mug) There are two kinds of Shakespeares that get depicted today. Sexy poet Shakespeare and fat Shakespeare. This one is the latter. He looks like he has eaten well on the Queen's dollar.

Me: I don't think they were trying to make him look fat.

haunteddiner: Look closely. Don't you think he could be Santa Claus?

Me: Yeah, I guess if his beard were big and white.

haunteddiner: Sonnets to all the good boys and girls!

Me: What do the bad boys and girls get?

haunteddiner: Histories.

Me: History plays? OK, then who get the the apocrypha?

haunteddiner: Those are for people who try to make good food and fail.

Me: OK, then what about the problem plays? The tragedies? The comedies?

haunteddiner: Wait, wait, wait. Problem plays are for those who are bad 11 months out of the year, and then help an old lady across the street. Also, people who are good most of the year, and then slip up.

Me: Wow, that's tough.

haunteddiner: The tragedies are for those who don't pay their employees enough. Or don't tip enough. The comedies are for people who make really good food.

Me: I'm going to put this on Livejournal.

haunteddiner: Merry Shakespeare to all, and to all a good sonnet!

EDIT: Oops, I made a mistake. The apocrypha, haunteddiner informed me, are actually for the people who over-commercialize Christmas.

Current Mood: amused

12:18 am - Loony

Your result for Another Harry Potter Character Test...

Luna Lovegood

Take Another Harry Potter Character Test at HelloQuizzy

Current Mood: sleepy

12:23 am - Heaven can wait

Your result for Reincarnation Placement Exam...

Gypsy Camp

Take Reincarnation Placement Exam at HelloQuizzy

Current Mood: tired

07:15 am - Dumb question

What kind of car does God drive?

Current Mood: bored

09:40 pm - I attack the DARKNESS!

There's a woman in the psych unit who thinks she is the devil. This inspires all sorts of inappropriate thoughts in me.

For instance, I remember her bathrobe is the red one. When I'm giving her a shower, if she complains it's too hot, I think, "Too hot for the devil?"

You know, things like that.

Anyway, yesterday she was talking about having put a curse on something.

"What did you put a curse on?" I asked.

"The darkness," she said.

We had this conversation, and variations of it, many times throughout the day. (Click here if you don't know why this is funny.)

Current Mood: tired

08:28 am - Saturn Return: the making of an art car

( Click to see my car! )

07:28 am - Photos! (Mostly of our cat)

( Meeeeeeeeeow! )

Current Mood: content

07:26 am - Because I did it for Seagull42...

If you are reading this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment of a memory of you and me.

It can be anything you like either good or bad. When you're finished post this little paragraph in your blog, and you may be surprised by what people remember about you.

Current Mood: curious

07:13 am - Free! Free at last!

We had our last final exam yesterday! I don't know how I did yet, but I've heard the tests are done being graded and ready to get picked up. I'm a tad hungover from our class's celebratory barbecue yesterday, and I'm going to go volunteer to help out at the seniors' convocation today. Maybe I will go pick up my tests, too.

I got a job!! It's an on-call mental health assistant position, and it will start July 7. I will be doing "supportive counseling" at a local hospital in Medford, and it requires a CNA license (which I will be getting in the mail hopefully in a couple weeks), so I'll be taking vital signs and doing other nurse assistant work, as well. Joke all you want that now I will be in the mental ward where I've always belonged, but I am really, really excited about this job.

Since it's on-call, I've also applied for a caregiver job working with a facility that takes care of people with Alzheimer's disease here in Ashland. My interview isn't for another 10 days, though, which is just fine by me. I think I deserve a week off...

Current Mood: tired

09:33 pm - Waiting for the 12th...

I just cannot bring myself to finish the notes I need to study for finals right now.

And this is a bad, bad thing.

Current Mood: sleepy

05:24 pm - Just when you thought I had abandoned LJ forever...

I have to post before I lose steam! Or get swallowed up by more schoolwork. I joined Weight Watchers a month ago, and I have lost 8 lbs! So, I am about half way to losing 10% of my initial weight. Now, instead of being slightly obese, I am just very overweight, according to my new BMI of 29.



This is pretty frickin' cool, as I was starting to lose hope of ever losing more than 5 lbs, which, sadly, took me about a year.

Anyway, I am hungry sometimes, especially when I am sleep-deprived, which, of course, is much of the time (such as now). Ah, nursing school, how I adore you.

God, I can't wait for summer.

I am applying for a CNA position here. I had clinicals there my first quarter. My clinical instructor from that quarter offered to be one of my references. :)

( Click to read the assignment I just wrote )

Current Mood: tired

07:37 pm - What I did today

Today, I accompanied a patient through her laparoscopic cholecystectomy, from the pre-op unit to post-op. In the pre-op area, I asked her what her primary concerns were about this surgery. She said her first concern was not dying, since she had a cousin who had had the same surgery a few years ago, and had not lived through it because her heart stopped beating. Another of her concerns was the possibility that she has malignant hyperthermia. She has not been diagnosed, because the test for it is very expensive. Her maternal grandmother had it, and since it is genetic (an autosomal dominant gene), the staff would treat her as though she had it. This meant that the anesthesiologist would give her different drugs (completely intravenously), since the conventional ones used for general anesthesia trigger the condition. If it were triggered, it would lead to muscular rigidity, increased oxygen consumption and carbon dioxide buildup, uncontrolled temperature, and possibly death.

While the patient was in pre-op, the RN asked her questions and charted the information on the computer. In addition to her vital signs, she asked if she wore contact lenses, if she could possibly be pregnant, if her foley was comfortable, and whether she had any cultural or spiritual practices she would like them to observe. Then she injected versed into the patient’s dorsogluteal muscle, and put TED hose and SCDs on her lower legs and feet. One of the surgical techs came in and asked the patient to explain why she was there and the purpose of the surgery, and then she wheeled her in her bed to the OR.

In the operating room, the patient was put under, and I helped the surgical tech adjust the blanket to expose the patient’s abdomen more, because she had her gloves on, but after that, I was not allowed near any of the blue surgical paper, which seemed to cover almost everything. The tech covered the patient’s abdomen with betadine. It was interesting to see the surgery on the 3 screens that were in the room, and it made me a little queasy at first to see the peritoneal lining jiggling around. However, it was fascinating to watch the instruments poke through the abdominal wall, cutting the tissue that connected the gallbladder to the liver, and cauterizing the arteries, which would otherwise bleed. Someone explained to me that they had put carbon dioxide in her peritoneal cavity so there would be more space, and the other organs would be out of the way. I was amazed that they were able to put the gallbladder in a plastic bag while it was still in the body, then lift it out. Afterward, the tech washed the betadine off the patient’s stomach, and the team transferred her onto a mobile bed. The anesthesiologist tried several times to wake the patient, tapping her head lightly and saying her name. As they wheeled her to the PACU, a few assistants responded to the “turn over room 1” call and had started cleaning up the room.

In the PACU, the RN noticed right away that although the patient’s vital signs looked OK, her chest and stomach did not appear to be moved with breathing, so he used an Ambu bag on her. As she woke, the RN spoke very calmly and soothingly to her, asking her to take deep breaths, and pretty soon he and a few other people took the tubes out of her throat. After that, the patient drifted in and out of sleep, and the staff had to watch her and periodically adjust her body position or keep her from scratching her eyes. She was hooked up to a monitor that showed her vital signs. The most important area of safety was maintaining the airway, since the patients were still waking up and might not be able to maintain it themselves. The staff in the PACU have to have good timing to know when someone is awake enough, but not too awake, for them to take out the intubation. Otherwise, the patient might have laryngospasms. Some patients flail when they come out of anesthesia, and most of them have to be reminded where they are, as well as reassured that their surgery went all right. Some of the most important things to chart include vital signs, surgical site, neurological assessment, level of consciousness, hemodynamic stability, pain control, and what medications were used to control pain. The patient I was following complained of abdominal pain, and was given morphine. She was asleep for most of her time in the PACU, and fell asleep again in the post-op unit. She was still in some pain there, and when nurse asked her to rate her pain, she gave it a 3 out of 10, but fell asleep again soon after that. The nurses decided against more pain medication, because they were afraid it would further slow her breathing.

Overall, this was a very eventful day for me. Probably the most important thing I learned was how crucial post-operative safety is. In helping the staff to persuade the patient not to scratch her eyes, I said, “They’ve got something on your finger, and you could hurt your eyes,” meaning the pulse oximeter. However, one of the assistants there in the PACU said she could hurt her eyes with her fingers alone – that’s how much people’s sensitivity is decreased when they are coming down from anesthesia. I was surprised by this, and I admired the PACU nurses and the care they gave people who, for a short time, really could not care for themselves.

Current Mood: busy

10:15 pm - Less than two hours in which to be twentysomething

Tomorrow, I get to do wound care on my birthday at the long term care center. Yum, yum. I can't wait! We had our last simulation today, and it seemed like everything went wrong. Somehow, I feel like those days are more of an accomplishment, though, just because we've gotten past them.

Tomorrow night, we (a bunch of my nursing student buddies, haunteddiner, a couple other people, and me) will pop my 30s cherry with sushi and karaoke. I have a fabulous dress. I am going to get massaged and put my hair in curlers.

Current Mood: achy

07:05 am - I was going to post these on my birthday, but couldn't wait

I turn 30 a week from Thursday.

( Click for old photos )

Current Mood: happy

02:43 pm - Sonnet #11

I say to others what I'd say to you
Escaping shaky hands and worried heart,
A colorful parade avoiding truth,
Evicting common sense before the start
Of bringing silent feelings to your sight.
I have a self you haven't noticed yet
And then the one I let into the light,
The two so far apart they've never met
And in my mind you have another life
Of gushing whispers, stirring and sublime
Until I think of this: your future wife
Who's perfect and will come at the right time
Then I'll be nothing - shadows in your past
But vibrant shadows in your mind may last

Current Mood: alive

04:09 pm - Sonnet #10

You cannot hide behind your scrutiny –
Existence pushes you into the world
As daylight breaks in you, it shatters me
An early spring unwillingly unfurled.
The madness, hot as stones, has come at last
When I had thought the cold would keep it still!
Suspecting everyone, I give my dance,
More empty than applause could hope to fill.
My daydreams torment me, but I will smile
And struggle not to touch, and not to reach.
Ashamed, concealed, and patient all the while,
Surviving in my new reality
Unless you say that spring is here again,
I’ll keep my dance and always wonder when

Current Mood: crazy

08:55 pm - Oh. My. God.

If I have to read the word hyperkalemia one more time, I think I will seriously throw up.

Hey, that might be a cure for hyperkalemia! ...Aaaa, make it stop!

Current Mood: studying